Fuck You, Road Avenger
Fuck you right up your big red ass.
Road Avenger is my name for the weekend psychopath mongoloid I encountered Saturday in Tallahassee. I was driving around with my friend and one of his friends and came up on an intersection near the Florida State campus. This guy was in front of me, talking on his phone and haplessly drifting into my lane. I honked at him and changed to the right lane. Then he changed over in front of me and deliberately slowed down. Because I do not like to suffer shitty asshole drivers, I pulled off to the left and drove away, honking and giving him the bird. This was probably stupid and gratuitous of me, and I don't see why the middle finger thing has to be the universal gesture to make at assholes on the road. Road rage needs some kind of equivalent to the Geneva Convention. If we had that, I think what I did would be considered standard procedure. I think the rules would also state that there would be no need to carry the argument further because I WAS RIGHT.
A few minutes later we were approaching a stop sign on a little side street, and, holy fucking batshit, from the opposite direction, here comes Mongo Twat in his car, trying to block us off. I got my right wheels up onto the low curb and got around him. Then he started following us. My friend said, "greatÂyou had to go and piss off the one psycho in this town." This being the capitol of Florida, I'm sure it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Anyway. At the next stop sign, he pulled up behind us and got out of his car and started running at my car. As I pulled away, he punched my rear passenger-side window but didn't damage it. This did, however, obliterate our theory that maybe he was some kind of cop.
And a couple streets later we had to stop again, this time behind another car, giving Road Avenger the time to walk up to my window and start shouting at me.
"WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM BACK THERE? WHY YA HONKING AT ME?"
"You were drifting out of your lane and slowing down. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY CAR."
"WHY YA SHAKING?" (Because I have bad nerves and because meatheads like you, stomping about looking for fights, are a disruption in the flow of life itself, like a big wet fart in a steam bath).
A large utility truck was coming the other way while this went on, and we kept hoping that it would just crush the guy. Unfortunately, the street was not narrow enough, though maybe he was so enraged that he wasn't paying attention. If the truck had rolled over him, I would have got out of the car and taken a moment to laugh in his flattened face. You know why? Because he's a fucking thug. If you think a well-deserved insult is a good excuse to go on a rampage, you're a cheap shit thug. Shaking? Scared? Sure. I knew nothing bad would happen, but the advantage this kind of guy has is that he can momentarily intimidate you with his willingness to go apeshit.
I told him I was calling the police. My friend's friend took over phone duties while we kept trying to lose the guy. He eventually disappeared. We met with a cop, which was pretty useless at that point because we hadn't got Road Avenger's license plate number. It's sort of hard to do when someone is pursuing you down a two-lane road. Mostly I just wanted to spite the guy. He hadn't broken my window so there wasn't much grounds for a criminal charge, and it wouldn't have got that bad anyway. Especially not in broad daylight.
Later my friend and I were talking about it and we had to wonder: Who the hell is this guy? What does he do? And, given his nice car and all, doesn't he have something to lose by playing psychotic vigilante games? I think that when I gave him the finger, he just wanted to prove to me that I couldn't follow it up. Fine. I couldn't follow it up, and I shouldn't have to. If this guy can't admit that he was wrong, he should consider me the least of his problems. The point is that he was wrong and I didn't have anything else to say to him. In conclusion, Road Avenger, fuck you. You're a shitty driver, you're a petty psychotic son of a bitch, and your mother takes goat cock up the ass in hell.
Road Avenger is my name for the weekend psychopath mongoloid I encountered Saturday in Tallahassee. I was driving around with my friend and one of his friends and came up on an intersection near the Florida State campus. This guy was in front of me, talking on his phone and haplessly drifting into my lane. I honked at him and changed to the right lane. Then he changed over in front of me and deliberately slowed down. Because I do not like to suffer shitty asshole drivers, I pulled off to the left and drove away, honking and giving him the bird. This was probably stupid and gratuitous of me, and I don't see why the middle finger thing has to be the universal gesture to make at assholes on the road. Road rage needs some kind of equivalent to the Geneva Convention. If we had that, I think what I did would be considered standard procedure. I think the rules would also state that there would be no need to carry the argument further because I WAS RIGHT.
A few minutes later we were approaching a stop sign on a little side street, and, holy fucking batshit, from the opposite direction, here comes Mongo Twat in his car, trying to block us off. I got my right wheels up onto the low curb and got around him. Then he started following us. My friend said, "greatÂyou had to go and piss off the one psycho in this town." This being the capitol of Florida, I'm sure it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Anyway. At the next stop sign, he pulled up behind us and got out of his car and started running at my car. As I pulled away, he punched my rear passenger-side window but didn't damage it. This did, however, obliterate our theory that maybe he was some kind of cop.
And a couple streets later we had to stop again, this time behind another car, giving Road Avenger the time to walk up to my window and start shouting at me.
"WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM BACK THERE? WHY YA HONKING AT ME?"
"You were drifting out of your lane and slowing down. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY CAR."
"WHY YA SHAKING?" (Because I have bad nerves and because meatheads like you, stomping about looking for fights, are a disruption in the flow of life itself, like a big wet fart in a steam bath).
A large utility truck was coming the other way while this went on, and we kept hoping that it would just crush the guy. Unfortunately, the street was not narrow enough, though maybe he was so enraged that he wasn't paying attention. If the truck had rolled over him, I would have got out of the car and taken a moment to laugh in his flattened face. You know why? Because he's a fucking thug. If you think a well-deserved insult is a good excuse to go on a rampage, you're a cheap shit thug. Shaking? Scared? Sure. I knew nothing bad would happen, but the advantage this kind of guy has is that he can momentarily intimidate you with his willingness to go apeshit.
I told him I was calling the police. My friend's friend took over phone duties while we kept trying to lose the guy. He eventually disappeared. We met with a cop, which was pretty useless at that point because we hadn't got Road Avenger's license plate number. It's sort of hard to do when someone is pursuing you down a two-lane road. Mostly I just wanted to spite the guy. He hadn't broken my window so there wasn't much grounds for a criminal charge, and it wouldn't have got that bad anyway. Especially not in broad daylight.
Later my friend and I were talking about it and we had to wonder: Who the hell is this guy? What does he do? And, given his nice car and all, doesn't he have something to lose by playing psychotic vigilante games? I think that when I gave him the finger, he just wanted to prove to me that I couldn't follow it up. Fine. I couldn't follow it up, and I shouldn't have to. If this guy can't admit that he was wrong, he should consider me the least of his problems. The point is that he was wrong and I didn't have anything else to say to him. In conclusion, Road Avenger, fuck you. You're a shitty driver, you're a petty psychotic son of a bitch, and your mother takes goat cock up the ass in hell.
posted by Scott at 12:45 AM
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