Ode to Tom Ridge

I will miss his square-shaped head, stumpy neck and beady eyes. So I say, in my best Sling Blade voice, "Tom Ridge!" Not that he actually sounds like that, but it somehow seems appropriate. "Tom Ridge! French-fried pataters! Mmm-hmm..." Say it to yourself and it'll make sense. I promise.

According to The Associated Press, he presided over six national "orange alerts," which indicated there was a high risk of terrorist attacks.

Presided over them? C'mon, he made that shit up. No need for fancy words, really. More accurate to say he declared the alerts.